Shoulder-Deep in a Cow's Rear End

If you’ve been following along for any amount of time, you already know things don’t typically happen the way they’re supposed to around here. May Belle, our (allegedly) very pregnant Jersey-cross cow, was supposed to have her calf sometime in late October according to her previous owners. We were so excited! We prepared. We counted days. We came up with adorable names for the calf we were expecting to arrive any time now.

And then… nothing.

October slipped by.

November came and went.

December disappeared.

And now we’re deep into January. At some point we stopped saying “any day now” and started asking, “So… are we even sure she’s pregnant?”

That’s when we called in The Farm Lady™.

After weeks of second-guessing everything we’d been told, we finally asked a local farm lady to come do a pregnancy check on May Belle. And by “check,” I mean she put her entire arm, all the way up to her shoulder, into the backside of May Belle to feel around for a calf. It was a sight to behold. She just… went for it. God bless her. It takes all kinds to make this world go ’round, and I am so thankful for her willingness and know-how in this situation.

However, May Belle did not appreciate this massive invasion of her “privacy.”

What followed was some major cow drama. There was wild running. Bucking and kicking. Horn tossing. Even throwing herself on the ground. Twice! There were also copious amounts of what seemed like intentional pooping. (Is that a thing?) We are talking deeply offended cow energy.

But after she finally calmed down, there was confirmation:

May Belle is, in fact, pregnant.

Hallelujah! We were really beginning to doubt she was ever pregnant at all and were starting to suspect we might have gotten taken for chumps by the people we bought her from. I’m so glad that wasn’t the case. (Because… embarrassing!)

When a 10-Year-Old Is Braver Than You

My friend and her kids were over during this whole episode so they could watch as they are very invested in this whole baby-calf thing.

The Farm Lady, apparently unfazed by the whole “arm inside a cow” situation, asked the kids if they wanted to give it a try. Three of the four kids said no way. But my friend’s youngest daughter—an absolute icon—slipped on a shoulder-length glove and bravely headed into the paddock.

She approached May Belle, and under the careful coaching of the Farm Lady, she made it about elbow-deep before May Belle decided that was quite enough of that, thank you very much. But she was undeterred and tried again. And honestly? I was so proud of her and wildly impressed by her bravery and lack of squeamishness. This girl was a champ.

Then the Farm Lady turned to me.

“You should really feel in there too,” she said. “So you’ll know what it’s supposed to feel like in case there are problems during birth and you need to reach in to reposition the calf.”

Dear Reader.

Never in all my years did I ever think I would have the desire, the ability, or the stomach (super-sensitive gag reflex over here!) to reach into a cow’s butt on purpose for any reason. But… apparently that was always the endgame.

I didn’t want to do it.

It was gross, and I was scared.

But I did it.

I put on the glove. I took a deep breath. I steeled my nerves, and then I reached my hand

into May Belle. It took more effort than I expected, but I eventually got my entire arm in there. I have now experienced something that can never be unseen, unfelt, or emotionally processed. I now know what the inside of a cow feels like, and it’s weird.

So Where Does That Leave Us?

Finally having positive confirmation that May Belle is pregnant is a huge relief. And so… we continue to wait. We’re still watching her udder. Still staring at her slowly growing belly—but now knowing for sure there’s a wee little life inside. We're talking to the sweet calf and giving it pets and rubs through Mama’s belly.

And when May Belle does decide to bring her calf into the world, just knowing I might be able to help her if there's trouble, because I managed to overcome everything I thought I couldn't do, makes me feel pretty darn good.