Aphids are A**holes

Please excuse my harsh language - I'm typically not a foul-mouthed gal. But dang it I'm so stinking mad! Aphids are just the worst and that's all there is to it!

As I was strolling through the greenhouse checking on the pepper and tomato starts we recently planted, I noticed a few cauliflower plants looking suspiciously droopy. That’s never a good sign. I leaned in closer, lifted a leaf, and there they were:

Tiny. Orange. Dots.

My blood pressure went through the roof.

.

“APHIDS!” I shrieked, furious. “Not! Again!”

We’ve got about 30 beautiful brassicas growing in pots—cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, broccoli. They’ve been thriving, just waiting to be transplanted out in the garden beds. We’ve been so hopeful for a solid brassica year, especially after last year’s heartbreaking aphid apocalypse. I still have flashbacks. The entire crop—gone.

But not this year. Not on my watch.

Those little plant-sucking jerks are going DOWN.

Last year, I tried the gentle approach. I ordered 500 ladybugs online and set them free for an all you can eat buffet fully expecting them to do their jobs and gobble up the aphids like a fat kid on cake. Did it work? NO! Some flew away, some landed on plants with zero aphids for who knows what reason, and some flew directly into the fish pond and drowned. I tried to be one with the ecosystem. And you know what I got? Stupid ladybugs and aphid devastation.

This time I’m not messing around. I raced over to Ace Hardware and bought up alllll the Neem oil spray they had. Sounds impressive but there were only two bottles. But still...

Back at home, I sprayed every single leaf, stem, and inch of soil with the intent of complete aphid genocide. “DIE, YOU #%$&#@$ %&*#$%&!!!”

To bolster my defenses, I’ve also implemented a banana peel strategy—for real. Every banana peel from every smoothie and every PB & banana sandwich now gets strategically placed around the base of my plants. Apparently, aphids hate banana peels. Which is great, because I hate aphids.

As I placed each peel with surgical precision, I shouted “Take that, jerks!” and executed a highly dramatic, completely unnecessary kung fu-style karate kick so they'd know I meant business, which if anyone saw me would be completely humiliating. But I don't care.

This is WAR!